We Weep in Agony (A Culture Brimming with Pity)

Foolish (thought)
And then
Emotion.

Temptation.

To think that we are meaningful
Expectation.

Dreamer

Your life is a mirage of colors
The same foolish you that dreams without borders
The edges of knowledge are covered with your fingerprints
Soiled with the unmistakable grease that is hope
You speak with the stolen tongue of a vulture
Soaring to freedom with a death coated beak
Fate attemps to distract you with sorrow
Impervious you remain to the blows of human emotion
Dancing with the moon as your partner
Darkness flees from you as Icarus falls from sky to sea
Screaming as wax melts into existence

Pre to Postmortem

In lieu of tomorrow,
I am tempted to fall today
Stamping the ground with my
bones
Leaving some kind of
impression,
However fleeting

Throw a Rock at a Glass Window

Glass runs quickly
Bleeding from the center
Half of nothing is the essence of perfection (and)
The splitting of atoms is the only comparable matter.

Red yearns and is human
The validification of color,
Just as light bends in the fissures of the aforementioned glass.

This machine seems to exhale,
Performing the simplest task and the lesser half of breathing
Patterns amplify the science of movement.

In Between (Myself and My Experiences)

I chase something more than myself
Something less than a dream
In between

Following too many paths of pleasure
I am nothing more than what I have accomplished
In between

Anxiously awaiting something worth crying for
I am too scared to let tears fall
In between

The treasure of life is that time passes
How gracious is the ability to blink
In between

Shadows that found me at midnight

Jealous Mountains

The mountain clings fleetingly to snow in the spring months
Afraid of loosing the symmetry of togetherness
But a mountain, in her perseverance,
has the tendancy to succeed and lovingly caress her partner

The sun often challenges this happiness the Earth exhibits,
Sitting low on the horizon, a smile on his face
Treachery within the species that is nature,
Even jealousy transcends humanity

Knowledge is movement

Trees are collums that defy gravity
with the art/act of dancing

Change one letter,
does death improve the silence?
Tendrils seem slow
in swaying through the water
Until the unknown becomes known,
We watch butterflies
(Secret origins of color)

Do they dance, as many men say?

The pillar of life is not substance,
Rather light
or some intrinsic avoidance of darkness

Thought originates in motion
This trees and (debatably) butterflies know.

the wind as my own

And if I loved you,
would that change anything?

Tempermental and stoic

Standing in fear of
falling
In fear of
feeling

Lately I have taken to thinking in red

1 Timothy 6:6

Then, without warning, we switched souls
Mine with good intention and yours sullied with desire.
I gave you that holy part of me
Purifying your soul
Now I sit afflicted with the bitterness of sin
My intentions poisoned
You lie chaste in renewal
Breasts pressed against the altar
Waiting before a waiting God
The same God you have stolen while seducing my soul
Color fades to greyness
Ambiguity prevails in the space between belief and yearning
How swiftly do angels fly upon wings of forgiveness
How vast is their empire
"Godliness with contentment is great gain"
My fleeting soul clings to this notion
Venom to my lifestyle and
Bane of my convenience
Your soul is silent and still
Peacefulness protected and generated by faith
Mine runs in circles with questions
Tears the body apart in search of contentment

Riding the C-Train at Night

The behemoth slides by
Eyes of glass glistening with life
Shine, light of street,
Onto metal beer cans and fence posts
Right round where darkness falls on to her lap
is where the vomit lays
Call it the shadow dressed in stomach acid
Mighty hand drenched in blood
(Could be ketchup also I suppose)
Still warm with liquid and moist to the touch
Hold onto this silver pole
Eroded with sweat and piss and semen
Dirt is brown from living and remains so
Waiting for the years to pass
Next station.

Through these portals known as windows
Ten thousand stories wait
Lingering over crusted plastic seats and
Wendy' s wrapper's
(Open late, so you can eat shit, even late)
Lady in red smiles while clenching her teeth
She is trapped in the two dimensional cell above the entrance
Noise that is the music of sound
Next station.

Arrival and bustle and departure from the
two twisted orange triangles serving as doors
Blink
Blackness is the tunnel between waiting and there
Cracked window reveals the spot
where foreheads rest and stain the view of headlights
Too many reflections to number
and the light in her eyes is common and artificial

tapestry

Any other outlet is futile, I suppose.
Any other dream pointless.
Talent grabs you out of the fray, speaks to you, pushes you.
Inclination to love that which comes easy to you.
Running on long legs, singing with clear voice
Can we tempt the fates who weave this tapestry?
Thread of red, be creation
Blue, be life
Yellow, intertwine with brown to form destiny
The pattern becomes clear
The fates are busy with blood soaked hands
Laying it out before us in vivid color
Are we trapped in this maze of thread,
bound by stitches and needles?

the coldest desert

Somewhere between lonely and alone
I stumble

Nature denies my peace
Agressive and - (wait,
Is that truth?)
Cold

How can something so warm be void of sentiment?
Sand is made of hardened tears
Old and weary of feeling

Upon standing the sun judges me
His face glistening with liquid emotion
The desert his bride

Mother of hardship,
Let me pass.

the beginning of time

Is this the beginning of time?
Not even such a silly question fases us
Isn't time the partner of experience?

Oh, what have we become
Dealers of false hope
Peachers of misunderstanding
Wake up tommorow naked, alone, cold
Re-evaluate the state of being

Only with thought can time begin
Only with consciousness
Dreaming borrows time and contorts it into color
One year flashes by in half a second

No, let us wake for the first time
Let us think beyond mediocrity whilst adoring it
The ugliness of the human body is comparable only with it's beauty
The form of honesty

Is there anything so painful as joy?
Perhaps only the knowledge of it's fleeting nature

Make sentiment the hand that flickers
Thought the hourly stroke
A clock whose hands do not lie but yearn for truth

Make this the beginning of time.

check it out...

I found the most amazing thing. This girl in NYC goes into dressing rooms and takes photos of herself in amazing designer clothes and is fabulous and crazy and beautiful. Her name is Elle Muliarchyk and she has been arrested and kicked out of all sorts of high class places for her photography. It is truly amazing I urge you to check it out...







http://www.stern.de/lifestyle/mode/573596.html?nv=fs&cp=1

The need to breathe

Agony runs in livid
Cursing the need to breathe

If only darkness flew on wings of haste
If only life died sooner

Oh, how tempting is the notion of freedom
Watch agony operate the switchoard of your superconscious
Transforming dreams into nightmares

But breath,
Bane of torture
Muse of frivolity
Dare you tempt anguish?
Heart
beat
Heart
beat

The body angers the underworld in functionality
Survival wages war against insanity while
Shakespeare's two pilgrims keep life alive
Breath through the nostrils as diamonds to the ground

being

Guiltless and grey,
I stand.
Outside my self are my experiences
Mysterious glances
Story, memory, time
All these vehicles of life mold me
What belongs inside?

Tempted and weak,
I yearn.
Feeling erupts and shatters my mathematical ability
Addition is tricky when you are bleeding from the center
And I do not trust anything as infallible as logic

Painted and young,
I scream.
Color collides with imagination
The wind is my new best friend
Whoosh, sing to me
Oh, how I fear companionship outside the sandlot
Why do they call it sand instead of tiny rocks?

Confused and alone,
I run.
The night engulfs me in sexuality
The stars tickle between my legs
What is a man to a woman?
Horizon bleeds in and out and in and out of day.

(cat)atonic

I'm so sick of these lives
The stupor that fearlessness brings
Kill me once, kill me twice
Being scared would make me human
What makes yesterday tommorow's joke?
Eternity,
what bullshit,
give me peace.

my love is a goldfish

My love is a goldfish
solitary in it's memory
three (is)

companionship is so troublesome, isn't it?
company

my love is conditional
dependant on water
moisture is my spine

sit me at the table with kings
I will conquer.

Hunting

Look at me
No, seriously.
Look at me

Stare me in the eyes, well maybe only one at a time.
Funny how two of your eyes can see only one of mine.

But, no, I need you to see me.
It's important.

Why?

Well, aren't we human?
At least, am I?

Oops...

All I can do is laugh...
Learn to trust my instincts.
And then laugh more...
Isn't life fucking hilarious?
(Experience is paramount)

moi

Why rhyming sucks and other idle fears

Should I create?
The value of the word as it
de
pre
ciates

Lovely left handed lieutenant
Salutes the setting sun
Armed for battle
Pa rum pa rum pum

Ten foot dream
Lined with what I call magic
Touch me and die

I was five years old
Mysteriously perceptive
You told me to shut my eyes,
Apology accepted

Fancy feet have short life spans
Toddlers crawl for posterity

The right hand lingers more than the left
Behind are feelings rusted from shining silver to brown
The man known as Age spins on the merry-go-round

Words are lies
Dressed up as fancy
The dragon lays eggs
That form eyes
Wise are those eyes

Lead me not into giration
Dancing wildly at the altar
I pray for my soul in masturbation
The setting sun is a setting star

Fox tail and liquid gold
This is my chance at forever

In lust, I thrust
Without thought of repercussions

Too old, too damaged, too proud

Breathing is difficult when you die
Heaving in and out,
Life becomes one giant sigh

For life to be valued,
must we devalue death?
And in doing so, do we risk infection?

I am but a fraction
of my inaction.

altar(ations)

freckle of brown
s(light) in/of/and/or hand
magic is my name
i am sparkling wine
(notorious, the)
champagne of truths
slayer of dragons
eater of pain (bread)
add blood and welcome salvation
appendectomy above the rectory
Father, pray for do(nations)

tonight

the birds were silent as the wind made noise
nature overpowering mother
twisted ocean of fog where lanterns glow
blurred waves and ripples so small they don't exist
a single moment in the chasm of time
the birds a speckle in my memory

what is strength?
i feel so weak

and in crying i lose you
to the abyss of dark
dark
dark
ness
darkness

discover me
veiled in light of green
solitary in this time

space is mine
no other inhabitants fool me into believing they exist
sensing is nothing but inner thought and expression

I am color and luminescence and strength and fortitude
the me that is life is love is truth is beauty

not lonely, but alone

Salvia and October Sunsets

Everything is water that courses over you. Almost as thought the world is covered in clear plastic and your hands lay over it. The world is seperate from my hands.
Doesn't that shock you, even a little bit?
Tom is smiling at me for under the prison cover. There are multiples of him that remind me of the taste of salvia in my mouth, which I had earlier forgotten in the excitement of my high. Now, even though I feel that sense of urgency that comes with the decline of my high, I am strong. Able to release and think beyond that world of plastic I earlier envisioned. Still, tom stares at me, still, "its bad enough we get along so well" rubs against my ears. still "goodnight and go" swims over my keys.
Regaining that control of earlier seems unimportant as the keys shuffle and create a tattoo. Faint, yet distinctive. Without logical rhythm, we substitute the irregularities of necessity. I must type, I must type to write, and this becomes my song, the hesitation of the fingers on the keyboard, the swipe of the space bar, and to do that, I hit space bar.
The space between space and bar stuns and mesmerizes me. Oh, how long the music stopped as I pondered the word "mesmerize". and another pause. pause. mesmerize. too complicated, as I earlier mentioned.

"And after, I stared at my pupils in the mirror, mesmerized ( haha) by the speed as they changed size. Open to close" and this is my inner dialogue even as I did this thing, in my mind, the dialogue went just like that.
I really did look at my pupils in the mirror. I did.

today i was too lazy to have a shower
and too dirty to have a bath
so i sat in the porcelaine hole and turned the tap on
water poured over me and pooled below me
in between the soapy sting i opened my eyes

legs
feet
hands

so there i sat in painted glory
still as though moving was anathema
and pondered my temple

for this and all things

i apologize

and,
in anger
i hope for forgiveness

Lately,
I have reflected on dreams and in doing so my life has obtained a dream-like quality. Haze surronds my interactions, smoke fills my lungs and my life. It is as if dreaming were more of a reality to me than waking. And in dreaming I find more truths that my conscious self can ever find. If there exist any truth... or truths. But in dreams there lies no doubt, no selfishness, no vanity. All things which plague me and contradict my intentions. To be honest, to be fruitfull, to be sexual. All these things escape the hand that grasps reality and flow into the mouth of fantasy.
Yet, I cannot live in any other world. Nor do i wish too. If only the escape of sleep was not so perfect, so serene, so real.

Can you deny me the candidness of the place in which all eyes are closed and all senses shut down?

Vanity

in every reflection
there lies affirmation

oh to have anything
what a fantasy
to posess
oh, to linger over moments as they transform
into memories
to hold something immaterial in your grasp
oh, to inhabit a time,
a space
Almost, as if, by magic.

Often do I dream
yet rarely do I wake

And, upon wakening and feeling,
sentiment erupts in my soul.

So it is this dream that becomes my reality,
for emotion clouds the very thread of life.

in dreams

I dreamed you were a woman,
raw and passionate

The rain descended,
peeling off our clothes
as my eyes travelled over your skin

I dreamed you were a woman,
naked and standing in front of me

We touched and you became ivory
the air turned to fire
diamonds emerged from your skin

Between your breasts the wealth of the world lay

And, as a woman,
you kissed me.

Two wet tongues
weaving a tale of magic
flames engulfing our innocence

And from between your lips the clouds emerged
hazy smoke filled the air

And I inhaled you.

I dreamed you were a woman
and never have I desired you so completely

is this loneliness?
the shadow of the trees as the sun plummets from the sky
falling out of knowledge and into foolishness
yellow to black
so it is that summer bleeds into fall
life into death

could it be that love is as illusive as the clouds?
white meaningless vapours
inescapably shrouding the sunlight
blocking the source of all life and stifling the masses
suffocated by this veil
unattainable
the palm reaches out into the mist, the abyss
grasing only itslef
haze seeps through the edges of skin
the edges of sanity

freefreefreedom

how hard we have fought
how long we have waited

and for what?
emptiness
sorrow

perhaps freedom is attained not in victory
(as we had earlier thought)
but rather,
in battle

as time passes

untruth becomes you and in the same instant untruth you become
you have shed the gossamery skin of honesty
you speak with tongues of angels sewn over top your own
spinning discourse into treachery
you have stolen these tongues out of the clouds
your blackened hands daring to touch the abyss that is eternity
how dare you cover deceipt with the thin veneer of snow

patience

oh and it is those eyes.
it has always been.

for they mesmerize me and teach me,
to wait.
-patience

oh how undeniably you
oh how tempting and yearning take control.

yet it is those eyes.
-patience.

beauty
lie down in the dark
surrender yourself to me
open
let me explore you
as a mute to speech
tongues intertwined
i will touch you
as only you can understand

beyond being great
can we aspire to anything more?

lovely, perfect, beautiful.

beyond being great
can we dream of life unaltered?

she

and then she turns to me
like an animal
and she asks- are you there?
and i, in my foolishness, answer
yes.
yes i am.

look beyond me into...

look beyond me
into dusk
darkness
as it falls
along some path unknown to me
run into me
because everything is a pattern
nothing is a lie
everything is predictable
can you
can you
deny
deny?

run run run

Until I collide with myself, I will continue to run run run through life as though they were no walls, no barriers. With this type of reckless abandon I will conquer the fear that inhibits myself. Until the inevitable day when I run so fast I am blinded to the world around me, until my sight is blurred by wind and my eyes begin to tear. But that moment is far way, I sense, and until then, running with the breeze in my hair allows me to feel the world around me, uninhibited and free from self doubt, worry, trouble. All those things that pester a normal life will not phase me, no. I run run run with reckless abandon, sweat pouring down my back until I drown in it- that sea of salt that engulfs me.

Randoms Thoughts from the Girl Behind the Curtain

Kill my body so as to kill my mind

Why can't it ever be that simple? Complications lead me to misinterpret emotions. Then I'm fucked. I need to be more than good at something. I need to be great at something. What else is the point?

My life is one big incident of bad timing and mistaken identity. A Shakespearean comedy on broadway.

I'm more mad at myself than anyone else...still...

Passenger Pidgeon

Nothing is more real or stereotypically beautiful than a person at their worst...because when we are at our worst, we are the most honest and true versions of ourselves...we are a clean palette that awaits only improvement...nothing else.

I'm still anxiously awaiting a heroic effort or a drug that makes me aware, not ugly.

Some of the favorite photos I re-discovered from last summer...

My friend Nirvana

Oh me, Oh my

What more can I say after two weekends of too much fun - the cause of all my confusion becomes apparent now. Perhaps if I didn't enjoy myself so selfishly and constantly these worries would not overcome me. Even still I wonder if every moment I become less intelligent, articulate, interesting.
But then...
I almost feel more myself now than I ever have. I am raw and human and passionate. It's as though the indecision in my life has faded into the background and I only bother with the present - the only thing that really exists. Thoughts form distinctly in my mind accompanied by images and flowing movement. Is this not how one express oneself?
And so...
It is only by our outward actions and communication that we can make any significant difference in the world. Everyday interactions can destroy your mood just as easily as they can enhance it. Why not put positive messages on your tongue and speak happiness through your lips? Why strike out in fear and anger when you can make someone's day with a simple smile? So I wonder if we really are so selfish as to think that our views should be infringed on others...I wonder if we really are so egocentric to punish the innocent for our mistakes?

who am I?

I have been ten different people

at ten different times

telling ten different lies

My opinion letter to The Herald

I can only hope this article and the ones that follow create awareness of the ever present complexities of homelessness. Too often I hear people dismiss homelessness as a choice or even a punishment-as though those who are forced onto the street by addiction, mental illness, or financial instability deserve their lifestyle. This attitude demonstrates unprecedented ignorance and is simply a convenient excuse for inaction. Homelessness is and will continue to be a problem until we collectively acknowledge that those who live on the streets are people too-people who deserve to be cared and loved just like those of us who are fortunate enough to live a life free of mental illness, addiction, and financial troubles. Until we learn not to blame the homeless for their situation, we will be unable to progress towards positive change.

Trying to find a balance

My mind overflows with inconsistencies. In an attempt to balance these warring thoughts I dive into the avoidance of boredom head first. Social calls, alcohol, working, reading, being. All these things I balance with my seemingly omnipotent debt and self-doubt. My present is simply static, unable to move in anticipation of my future. Almost as though right now I am driving through the mud without avail, anxiously awaiting the moment my tires are firmly embedded into solid ground. My mind is much occupied with Guatemala and my impending visit there, even as my thoughts center around life here and relationships. Instead of peace I find disorder; instead of control, anarchy reigns. When will this ever-present ghost of stability remove itself from my life? All that it is within my power to do is to press the peddle to the floor and try desperately to change my fate. All I ask for is someone to push me into action, some great event to move me, some experience to tow my car from the mud. Perhaps it must be me who finally turns the wheels in a favorable direction and gains ground.

And there it all goes...

School is almost done. And I find myself exhilirated by the thought of it being my last week in school for an indefinite period of time. School seems to me like this great experience that I have learned so much from and been so rewarded to be a participant in, but the time has now come for me to grow up and do my own learning, without teachers and classrooms and deadlines. I can't wait!

Playlists to soothe and move you

Here is a list of my favorite songs at the moment, download them, you'll fall in love.

This Playlist is for a chill time, sit down and relax...

Orestes - A Perfect Circle
Le Femme d'Argent - Air
Nova - Amon Tobin
Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys
Burn One Down - Ben Harper
A New England - Billy Bragg
Dayvan Cowboy - Boards of Canada
Things Have Changed - Bob Dylan
An Animated Description of Mr. Maps - The Books
Sun's Gonna Rise - Citizen Cope
Out Loud - Dispatch
Midnight in a Perfect World - DJ Shadow
Insomnia - Electric President
Let it Die - Feist
Je L'aime a Mourir - Francis Cabrel
I've Been Thinking feat. Cat Power - Handsome Boy Modelling School
Why be Sexy? - Internal Affairs
Goodbye my Lover - James Blunt
I'm so Lonesome I Could Cry - Johnny Cash
Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
Gentleman - Jonny Sootentai
A Smile That Explodes - Joseph Arthur
Blues For The Horn - K'naan
Lay Lady Lay - Magnet feat. Gemma Hayes
Inside - Moby
Falling Away with You - Muse
Champagne Supernova - Oasis
Music to Fuck to - Portishead
The Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
Talk Show Host - Radiohead
California - Sarah Slean
Left and Leaving - The Weakerthans
Partnership - Xavier Rudd
End Theme - Zero 7

And then when you need to dance, move, or sing along...

Outta Control Remix feat. Mobb Deep - 50 Cent
Trying to Find a Balance - Atmosphere
Halfanimal Halfman - Cunning Lynguists
Golden Years - David Bowie
Southern Belles in London Sing - The Faint
Never Win - Fisherspooner
Dreams - The Game
Every Planet we Reach is Dead - The Gorillaz
24 - Jem
How Does it Feel - The Koreans
True Mathematics - Ladytron
Disco Science - Mirwais
Ocean Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse
The a la Menthe - Nikkiefurie
I Turn My Camera On - Spoon
We Luv Deez Hoez - Outkast

And what more can we ask for?

Everyday I am astonished by how blessed I am to have such amazing friends and relationships. My life has been full of love and friendship, privileges and advantages. I have everything I could ever hope for, and have been undeniably lucky in living a life relatively without pain, loss, or despair. If I cannot exploit all the advantages placed upon me, I have no reason to pursue happiness. This is why I am choosing to take next year off to explore the world and myself and spend some time in the shoes of those who are less privileged than myself... And hopefully I am able to use some of my ressources to positively affect their lives and contribute to the general good of all. Perhaps I am being overly optimistic, but if I refrain from harnessing my advantages, I am refraining from contributing to the over all good of the world...thereby placing an even bigger burden on those who simply do not have the same ressources as myself. I have been so blessed by the kindness of others that I feel I must share some of my own kindness to give others a chance to experiance the same happiness I have. How selfish would I be if I chose to leave all my advantages unexploited?