Trying to find a balance

My mind overflows with inconsistencies. In an attempt to balance these warring thoughts I dive into the avoidance of boredom head first. Social calls, alcohol, working, reading, being. All these things I balance with my seemingly omnipotent debt and self-doubt. My present is simply static, unable to move in anticipation of my future. Almost as though right now I am driving through the mud without avail, anxiously awaiting the moment my tires are firmly embedded into solid ground. My mind is much occupied with Guatemala and my impending visit there, even as my thoughts center around life here and relationships. Instead of peace I find disorder; instead of control, anarchy reigns. When will this ever-present ghost of stability remove itself from my life? All that it is within my power to do is to press the peddle to the floor and try desperately to change my fate. All I ask for is someone to push me into action, some great event to move me, some experience to tow my car from the mud. Perhaps it must be me who finally turns the wheels in a favorable direction and gains ground.